Going Without Knowing

This morning I am reading Jesus’ teaching that he is the vine and we are the branches.

I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.” John 15:5 (ESV)

Whenever I think of vines, I think of two things. The first are these words spoken by Jesus. The second is a monkey swinging through the jungle on vines.

There is something that resonates in the way both the branch and the monkey relate to the vine. The branch steadfastly holds onto the source of its life come rain, snow, hail or high wind. The connection is intimate. That which is the vine runs through the branch. Without the vine, there is no fruit. But with the vine – now that’s another story! With the vine, the branch produces beautiful, succulent fruit that brings joy to all and glory to the vine.

While the branch holds steadfastly to the vine, the monkey swings through the jungle grabbing the vine only as a means to propel himself from place to place.  He grabs hold of the vine momentarily to prevent a devastating fall to the floor of the jungle. As he holds onto the vine, he is lifted high. Soon he lets go and is on his way until the next time he feels himself begin to fall. Then he grabs the vine and the cycle begins again.

Far too often, especially lately, I relate to Jesus far more like the monkey than the branch in Jesus’ teaching. I have been letting the urgencies of life, mostly work, pull me away from the vine. I strive and push and do and produce, but I wonder what I am really producing. Apart from the vine, Jesus, it cannot be fruit for him and his kingdom.

Today holds the same urgencies and temptations to do things on my own apart from the vine. I pray that I will hold tight to the vine, to Jesus today and every day.

Prayer

Father God, I confess that I often respond to urgencies in a way that pushes you to the sidelines. Forgive me for this sin against you. Draw me to you today that I might grow more deeply in relationship with you and that I might bear fruit which brings you glory. In Jesus’ matchless name.  Amen.

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Sharing our journeys
Do you feel more like the branch or the monkey?
What are the greatest challenges you experience in keeping your relationship with Jesus growing?
What ways have you found to keep your relationship with Jesus growing?

As I continued my flight home that December day, God continued working in my heart. His work began with the connection to a baby bundled in a white snowsuit in Target on a lonely day far from home. He used Ann’s words to help me see the difference between acknowledging his blessings with my mind and receiving them with my heart as gifts from his loving hand. I was able to glimpse his goodness, something I for some reason often fail to consciously experience in my own life.

Then he undid me. He brought to mind that little baby in the manager. Baby Jesus. The connection with the baby in Target when I was lonely was joyful and precious, but it was nothing compared to my connection with Baby Jesus. The greatest evidence of his goodness to me and to you. Jesus. Baby in a manger. Savior on a cross. The greatest gift of all.

I love how God doesn’t let go of us. Just to be sure I didn’t forget that moment on the plane when he used the thread of tiny babies to melt my heart with his goodness, he did it once more. This time he used a live nativity scene just before Christmas.

It was beautiful. The church acted out the story of Jesus’ birth on a cold evening complete with a live baby playing Baby Jesus. When I saw that little baby in the manger, I melted once again. It was as if God put an exclamation point on this part of his work in my heart. That little baby in the manger was wearing a little white snow suit very similar to the one that baby in Target was wearing when God started this thread of work in my heart. He came full circle and connected his goodness to the baby interaction when I was lonely and his gift of Baby Jesus.

Yes, God is indeed good.

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Baby Steps Part 1
Baby Steps Part 2

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Continuing to count his blessings: #481 – #492

Courage to begin facing fears
Scripture’s comfort while waiting in doctor’s office
Access to good medical practitioners
Friends’ prayer coverage
Friends’ care and concern
Friend’s support and coaxing me to face fears
Good outcome from medical check when it could have so easily have been serious
Street lights reflected on wet roads
Strength to begin working out again this morning
Photo adventure on Saturday to marvel at God’s beautiful creation
Return of a few goldfinches to the feeders – spring IS coming after more wintery weather than normal
Comforting house noises – clothes dryer, ceiling fan

The fourth commandment was not given just because I need rest as a self-centered being. It was given that I might please God as a rested being: ‘It is a Sabbath unto the LORD.’ (Exodus 20:10)…Divine pleasure, not human need is the greatest reason for observing the Sabbath.”*

Yes, I know I must please God more when I am rested. When I am rested, I am much more likely to spend time with my Abba Father, to be able to resist temptation through the leading of the Holy Spirt, to be loving and patient with his children, and to have a grateful heart. I know that when I keep a Sabbath, I am more able to reflect the image of the one who created me.

Lord, I feel I am wired for productivity, getting things done, and staying busy, but I know I am made in your image. Help me receive your gift of a Sabbath today.

* James L. Anderson in his book “For God’s Sake Rest!“, 2007, pages 50, 53.

The encounter with the baby in Target occurred the same week I was reading Ann Voskamp’s book, One Thousand Gifts: A Dare To Live Fully Right Where You Are.

That made all the difference.

God was beginning a work in my life through Ann’s book. He was opening my heart to seeing his blessings. To really seeing and appreciating them. As the baby’s mom wheeled the shopping cart carrying this precious one away, I thanked God for the blessing. I was feeling so lonely on this trip. I’d been traveling every week for about five months and I knew more travel lay ahead. I was weary and missing family, friends, and home. The connection with the bright eyed baby brightened my day.

As I was flying home a few days later, God brought that encounter to my mind again. I’d finished reading Ann’s book by then and God was still at work using her powerful words. Suddenly, I had a flash of understanding.

Acknowledging God’s blessings is very different than receiving them as gifts.

His blessings are gifts straight from his heart to mine and to yours.

Receiving is acknowledging, but so much more.

Acknowledging happens in our heads. Receiving is a matter of our hearts.

Simply acknowledging a blessing keeps it external. Receiving makes it a part of us.

It’s personal when we receive gifts.

There’s a bond created between the giver and the receiver.

When we receive, we accept not only the gift, but the heart of the giver.

Only when we receive do we truly express gratitude for the gift

and

Only when we receive can we pass blessing on to another.

I am terrible at receiving. I’d rather give all day long than stand still while someone helps me with something or gives me a gift. I feel helpless when I receive. I don’t like feeling helpless. I like to feel in control even though I know that control is mostly an illusion. I push people away when they try to help saying that I’m really okay doing it myself. Even when I’m not. Even when I’m exhausted and my heart cries out for help, I’ll turn it down. I’ll acknowledge the gesture, but I will not receive the gift. It is pride. Pure and simple.

Is this how I have been treating my loving Father when he brings countless blessings my way? Maybe not quite to this extent and certainly not as consciously, but I think there’s still something of this tendency in my relationship with him. I am more willing to accept his help than that of those traveling this earthly journey with me. But still, I know there is something to this. I have not received his blessings as gifts and I can see the impact it has had on my relationship with him now. I will teach all day long that God is good and loving, but I confess that my experience of him, especially lately, is more often focusing on his holiness and righteousness. Is it any wonder that I don’t experience his goodness in my life when I, at best, simply acknowledge it and do not receive it?

God used Ann’s words and the encounter with the baby in Target to bring this revelation to my heart on the plane and he still had a bit to do in my heart though those words and that encounter.One more reminder and an exclamation point.

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How do you experience the difference between acknowledging and receiving?

Is it easy for you to receive help and gifts? Why or why not?

She was captivating.  Bundled up in a white snowsuit, sitting in her Mom’s cart in the checkout line at Target, all I could really see of her was her beautiful, sparkling eyes. Those eyes were taking in everything around her while her mom methodically checked out. This little one was awake to the moment. The energy in her eyes was unmistakeable.

Our eyes met just as her her mom adjusted the cart. I could no longer see Little Awake One straight on, but I could see the crinkles around the edges of one of her eyes. She was smiling at me. I melted. I smiled back at her with a smile bubbling up from the depths of my heart. Time seemed to stand still in this connection between us: Little Awake One and One Feeling Alone passing time in Target while traveling hundreds of miles from home.  Now I was fully wake to this moment, too.

She leaned toward me, straining to see me around the edge of the white snowsuit hood. Her little arms and legs thrashed around as she struggled to move her body which was bound by that snowsuit and her confining seat in the cart. She turned at her waist and all of a sudden she was facing me.

We both erupted into huge smiles. Full on connection. Her body relaxed as she reached her goal. All her energy was in her face for that second. She was beautiful. The connection between us was beautiful. Time stood still.

Far too soon, the moment was over. Her mom finished her transaction at the register and began pushing the cart away. Her mom never saw me. Never spoke.

Little Awake One leaned around her mom to maintain eye contact as long as possible while the cart moved away. She never stopped smiling as long as our eyes met. Neither did I.

I am smiling as I think of this beautiful connection from weeks ago. The memory melts my heart even now. I’m smiling, too, because even though I thought God was finished with that connection at that moment, I now know it was just the first of several connections he would make that would begin a beautiful journey in my heart.

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Have you had a time stand still connection lately? What happened in that moment and maybe even afterward because of that moment?

This year my focus is on Thanksgiving.

I felt led to name this year my Year of Thanksgiving when I read Ann Voskamp’s book, One Thousand Gifts: A Dare To Live Fully Right Where You Are in December. I downloaded the Kindle version as soon as I heard it was being released and read it all one week while winter raged outside my hotel room.

I am just embarking on the journey Ann has been on, the one fueled by gratitude. Seeing where the journey has taken her fills me with hope and excitement. When I read Ann’s book, I saw all she has found is all I am searching for. God spoke to my heart and this became my word and my journey for 2011 and beyond.

Years of drivenness and people pleasing have chipped away at the intimacy I once had with God. I have become fearful. I have come unbalanced in my view of God, focusing much more on his holiness and righteousness than on his love and goodness. I am also sad to confess that I have barely noticed his blessings and when I have, it has been to acknowledge them with my mind and not to receive them with my heart as gifts and evidence of his goodness.

Reading Ann’s book, I see how the open heart of gratitude can lead me right back to the heart of my Father and to the intimacy I long for. Receiving his blessings as gifts can root my relationship with him in his goodness.  Fear can no longer have its grip on me. I can lead a life of abundance in my relationship with him and he can use me in the lives of his children again as my gratitude overflows. All for his glory.

I have so much to learn and experience. I am just taking my first steps toward a life of thanksgiving, but I am excited. I look forward to sharing this journey with you and sharing the journey you are on as we grow together deeper in relationship with God through Jesus.

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Catching up on my list of God’s gifts from the last few weeks:

#374 -480

- snowman on Starbucks drive through window sill in frozen north bringing smiles
- old man in car, waiting as his wife carefully maneuveres her way over snow
- stranger smiles galore in Target
- smiles of baby in shopping cart
- sun shining on pristine white snow piled high under bright blue sky
- feeling strong before presentation after having prayed
- an evening to read
- glimpses of impact of gratitude on my relationship with God
- moments of hope
- warm hotel room in very cold city hundreds of miles from home
- glimpses of his presence and goodness in his gifts
- headlights illuminating sparkling “diamonds” in snow bank on dark morning
- sunrise – pinks and purples – with bare trees and ground covered with snow
- quiet moments before the storm of the day, stillness, peace
- creamy nonfat vanilla yogurt with fresh berries and crunchy granola
- security precautions at airport
- all those who watch out for my safety though they do not know me
- workers preparing for flight’s departure in frigid cold
- a direct flight
- servicemen from the army – so many – moving through the airport.
- safe travels home
- safe travel for family to/from visit
- finding Mom’s soup in the freezer; warm in my tummy
- my own bed after a long trip, comfortable and familiar, safe and warm
- the release of tears
- the low which usually precedes better times
-  niece and nephew hugs
- a reminder that there was no room for Mary carrying Jesus either
- niece and nephew faces turned up to mine-beauty
- sound of Mom’s slippers shuffling toward me
- holding niece’s hand while story is read
- holding nephew’s hand during grace. hand squeezes.
- impulse hug from nephew
- niece whispering Christmas secret
- soft blanket from friend
- family visit for birthday
- Mom’s heart to cook for others
- an extremely rare white Christmas
- huge snowflakes falling in synchronized ballet. beautiful. gentle. relaxing.
- Christmas party with Mom’s snowbound neighbors
- memories of Daddy shared by Mom’s neighbor’s on Christmas evening
- little white Christmas lights
- colorful Christmas lights on brother’s deck railing, shining beautiful at night
- gift abundance under the tree
- prelude played by sister-in-law, niece and nephew the morning after Christmas
- smell of Mom’s Noel cake cooking
- early morning daylight streaming through blinds
- pillow, soft and warm
- group hugs
- strength to tackle small projects around the house
- motivation to tackle small projects
- haircare by Robin
- laughter in the house
- sound of raindrops on roof
- protection of roof
- quiet, slow morning
- brand new year, full of hope
- sharing with faithful friend, Amy
- gift of an afternoon to putter in my home office
- early morning prayer
- flannel sheets
- gratitude journal near when sleep eludes
- iphone alarm going off correctly after not doing so the day before
- a good night’s sleep
- wood burning candle flickering
- another day working from home
- birds at feeders, so pretty in the snow
- an unexpected week in town thanks to snow storm
- a productive meeting with consensus on next steps and overall plan
- connecting with neighbors over snow shovel
- a shoveled driveway
- God’s strength to help me eat healthy today
- a new day
- colleagues who handled work for me so I did not have to travel icy roads to airport
- a productive workday at a steady, non-frantic pace
- Twitter updates relating to snow storm, informative and humorous
- a chuckle or two or three as I work
- sunshine after three snowy, cloudy days
- the gift of a whole day to learn about photography
- more laughter in the house
- clear roads at last as sun melts ice
- yet another cancelled flight allowing me to be at home another day
- a roommate to relax and enjoy a movie with
- safe drive to airport in fog
- time to read God’s Word on the plane
- strength to make choice of salad over sub sandwich at lunch
- strength to make choice of orange juice over diet soda on plane
- bright sunshine and blue sky above midwest cloud cover viewed from plane
- solid layer of clouds below plane all the way to the horizon
- diversion of iPad game to help time pass on long flight
- snow covered lake seen from airplane
- unsung heroes who work hard to keep roads clear and safe during winter
- single leafless tree in bottom left corner of huge snow covered field
- red barn surrounded by white filed of snow
- safe arrival at destination
- ice free windows on car parked outside in frigid hotel parking lot
- recorded scripture to fill my mind with his word, instead of my fears, as I fall asleep
- Mom’s silver hair shining in bright sunlight as she reads on park bench
- unexpected opportunity to see niece and nephew at lunch
- safe drive home
- nephew engrossed in book
- niece’s reassuring pats on my knees, then back.
- Mom’s generosity
- spring fever weekend in January
- praying friends
- Ann’s book, One Thousand Gifts: A Dare To Live Fully Right Where You Are.*

*I strongly recommend everyone read Ann’s book. It’s had such an impact on my life that I have already bought 10 copies and am giving them to all my family and friends. I have never done this before. It’s that important!

My spinning wheels season has a long last come to an end and a more balanced season has begun. It’s been a tough season of high activity and traveling on at least one trip almost every week. I have now not been on an airplane in over three weeks and am feeling more rested and more at peace.  An usual southern snowstorm is keeping me home for at least two extra days this week and for that, I’m grateful!

Last Thursday was my 55th birthday. The whole idea of hitting that milestone birthday had me a bit unnerved. By the grace of God, I had just read One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are by Ann Voskamp. The book is amazing and I highly recommend that everyone read it. I’ll be blogging more on it and the impact it has had on my life in the coming days. For now, I will just share that God used Ann’s words to work in my heart and turn it toward thanksgiving instead of moaning. Instead of mentally working through all that being older might mean, I listed 55 blessings on my 55th birthday. They are listed below in the order in which they came to me. Many are roughly in chronological order.

Thank you God for turning my heart to thanksgiving and for these 55 gifts and the hundreds of blessings I didn’t even notice that day.

55 blessings on my 55th birthday

(#318-373 on 1,000 gifts list)

1) Walking up in my warm, comfy bed
2) Coffee visit with friend from out of town
3) A car to drive to work
4) A job (and a good one!)
5)  Birthday wishes from Sharon
6) Birthday wishes from Jim in a funny text
7) Birthday wishes from Janie
8 ) Birthday wishes from Brother
9) Birthday wishes from Mom
10) Birthday wishes from Cheryl
11) Lunch with a work colleague for my birthday
12) Dinner with Cheryl
13) Mom – for birthing me 55 years ago and for all between then and now
14) Brother and his faithful, huge heart
15) Sister-in-law, great homeschool mom
16) Niece love
17) Nephew love
18) Niece smiles in pictures on desk
19) Nephew smiles in picture on desk
20) Anticipation of seeing family on the weekend
21) One more Christmas card received in January
22) Anticipation of Mom’s amazing Perfect Chocolate Cupcakes with Peppermint Icing
23) Memories, precious memories, of Daddy
24) Memories of a blessed childhood
25) Eyesight to behold God’s wonders and blessings
26) Hearing to hear the words of loved ones
27) Touch to experience the love of others and the amazing variety of God’s textures
28) Mobility to move around
29) Taste – ‘Enuf said!
30) Smell to add dimension to every experience
31) My own home, a sanctuary
32) The blessing of a roommate to share the day with
33) Home office time
34) My computer – a connection to the world and the place I process life
35) God’s grace
36) God’s mercy
37) Jesus leaving heaven for me (and you)
38) Jesus suffering betrayal, abandonment, sorrow and loss for me (and you)
39) Jesus dying for me (and you)
40) Jesus returning again one day
41) Hope
42) God’s provision
43) God’s promises – so many!
44) God’s protection
45) God’s faithfulness even in the face of my unfaithfulness
46) Renewed love of photography
47) Bubble bath
48) God’s presence
49) Freedom to worship God without fear of persecution
50) Good books
51) The Best Book
52) Great people to work with
53) Sweet niece voice on phone, “Happy Birthday, Aunt Pam!”
54) Sweet nephew voice with birthday wishes
55) Going to sleep in my warm, comfy bed

The season of spinning wheels continues and the longer it continues, the harder it is.

Then, suddenly God bursts through my bubble of busyness.

In the blink of an eye, he stops me in my tracks in awe.

Today, as I continue counting his blessings with the Gratitude Community, I am especially grateful for three of these moments all happening last week. (#315 – #317)

• After a conversation with my brother where I bared my heart saying I didn’t feel like I could see God’s purpose for my life right now, the woman in the car in front of me at the Starbucks drive through paid for my coffee. I didn’t know her. She just did something nice for a stranger. To add to the wonder of it, I had ordered my once a year favorite drink totally loaded with calories and whipped cream and chocolate shavings. Normally, I go non-fat, skinny flavoring. Once a year, I splurge. This was that time and a stranger paid for my drink. Reflecting on the timing, I felt like God used her to tell me that it was okay. That he was here. That he loves me and provides for me. A wonder-filled moment.
• The next day, I was driving out of the parking lot at work and saw a beautiful sight. Golden leaves were raining down in a gorgeous and relaxing flow in the middle of a drizzly afternoon. Andrea Bocelli was singing The Lord’s Prayer through the car radio. God brought me to a complete stop at the beauty of it all – the leaves, the drizzle, the music, his love.
• Three days later, God took my breath away again when I was driving. This time, he used with one of the most magnificent sunsets I can remember seeing in ages. I had to stop twice on the way home just to wonder at the pinks and purples he was using to paint the sky.  I called Mom to go out and see and pointed God’s masterpiece out to neighbors who had not noticed. Once again, he stopped me right in the middle of my busy, getting things done tracks to remind me of his beauty and love.

I am so grateful that no matter how busy and focused on doing I get, God will remind me of his love and grace and beauty. For his glory.

Thank you, God, for bursting through our bubbles of busyness and reminding us of your presence, promises, provision, protection, and love. Please open our eyes and slow us down so we do not miss you and all the opportunities we have to worship you in reverence and awe. (Hebrews 12:28, NIV)

Today is a special day!  Today is my niece’s birthday. I’m planning to give thanks to God for her all day long for allowing me to know her and for the blessing of being her aunt.

I remember the first time I held her. How could such a huge blessing come in such a tiny package? I remember wondering what she would be like when she got older. What things would make her giggle? What would she love? What would our relationship be like? I loved her from the moment I laid eyes on her and only love her more today.

I love her smile.

I love her imagination.

I love the way she cares for her baby dolls and the way she looks whenever she sees a real baby.

I love the way she watches after her grandmommy.

I love listening to her play the piano.

I love to hear her giggle.

I love watching her grow up.

I love who she is.

She makes me smile.

She brings me joy.

My gratitude cup overflows.

Thank you, God, for the gift of being her aunt.  Amen.

The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures.

He leads me beside still waters.

He restores my soul.

He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil, for you are with me;

your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;

you anoint my head with oil;

my cup overflows.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life,

and I shall dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

Psalm 23 (ESV)